Reviewing the Jeffrey Epstein Bran Muffins

no deviations please

I’m not the first to have this idea but I may be the first one who can actually bake.

Gen X Husband’s friends kindly lent me their oven and hand-held me through the muffin-making process.

A quick primer for those who weren’t paying attention:

1. There are over 300 references to muffins in the Epstein files.

2. These appear to be references to actual muffins, not code words for sex trafficking, drugs, etc. (This is markedly unlike the emails which sparked Pizzagate, which were both odd and unsubstantiated; can someone please ask Fred Burton why he alleged that Obama flew $65k of hot dogs and pizza from Chicago to the White House?)

3. The muffins were so central to Epstein’s daily routine that they warrant their own page in his staff handbook; as seen in the emails, his staff ferry muffins and muffin batter worldwide. He is encouraged to eat a muffin when he gets out of prison in 2009.

4. Muffins comprise the subject of a scatological poem penned by former Epstein pilot and probable victim/accomplice Nadia Marcinko, who has been missing since 2024(!!).

   "You came to the rescue once again. 
   Introducing Muffin - Muffin Bran.
   Wrinkly moist raisins, walnuts and flax seeds
   ready to satisfy all my ex-lax needs.
   
   I poured my coffee, devoured the bran, 
   Soon one of those' would hit the fan. 
   One last time I puckered my tush 
   and put forth one enormous push. 
   
   The toilet's now clogged, failing to flush. 
   Seeing the size of it makes me blush."
   (lines 20-29)

   

5. ALSO, RELEVANTLY: There are 2 versions of the recipe. Original muffins were made with wheat flour. Epstein later demands a gluten-free(ish) version (palpable dismay amongst his staff when he switches to oatmeal; he returned to eating muffins in 2017). I decided that I would choose the recipe which Epstein asked for closer to his murder death.

The group chat was divided on whether they would taste good.

Perhaps it’s more accessible in New York, but I had to go to several specialty food shops to find digestive bran, almond flour, etc.. I explained I was following “a recipe I’d never made before” (something that the cashier almost certainly had no interest in) and had to almost physically stop myself from going into a full blown conspiracy meltdown, name dropping Epstein, explaining the 300+ documents about muffins that I read, segueing into a rant about Peter Mandelson, Prince Andrew, the fall of the UK, Starmer resigning, and so on.

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THE RECIPE

From another email: “Attached below are pictures of the muffin ingredients brands that should be used. No deviations please. The rest of the ingredients that are not on the pictures are not brand specific, but should meet the following criteria: - eggs and milk: always organic - olive oil: always extra virgin.”

There are no written instructions and all the images of the brands are broken links, so I followed the primer in the staff handbook to accompany the wheat version.

Because of the risk of something going wrong, I decided to follow the recipe to the letter, with the exception of swapping cranberries for raisins, and only letting the batter sit for 1 hour in the fridge instead of 24. (Reddit said this was enough time to hydrate gluten-free flour. I have leftover batter, though, so I can try it again tomorrow).

And, we’re off!

First mix the dry ingredients, then the wet, then fold them together.

Except that we forgot the olive oil until the last moment since it is quite random.

At this point the mix was looking dubious. We covered it and let it sit in the fridge for an hour.

It only got worse and by the time I greased the muffin tin (with actual butter) it was looking utterly vomitescent.

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BRIEF DIGRESSION

The muffins in themselves are innocuous. It is politically immature to feel one can divine any particular sensibility from Epstein’s taste in baked goods. If anything, he appears no less subject to cultural whim than your average Joe, despite being a billionaire; viz. his timely switch from low-fat I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! spray to RFK-pyramid “real butter” (if he’d lived perhaps he’d be adding whey to the muffin mix).

But this simply underscores the disappointing reality on the other side of the curtain. We have been told that the rich live enviable lives. Wanting to get rich is supposedly the reason we all get up in the morning. Yes, it turns out that all the conspiracy theories about the wealthy cabal of pedophiles running the world are, kind of true I guess? Except that the rich are supposed to be evil geniuses, not evil morons, and the evil is supposed to be really seductive, something we all would want to do if we were only powerful enough, instead of something only Alan Dershowitz would want to do in the first place. Are any of us supposed to be envious of the elites? After all this? After reading Epstein’s correspondence with Larry Summers or Bill Gates, do their lives not seem sordid and pathetic? Despite their freedom from ordinary concerns like food and shelter, who in her right mind would ever want to swap places with them?

If the ruling class were interested in living deep and meaningful lives rather than abusing children, they would recognize that, no matter how much wealth you accrue, the actual barrier faced by the rich is the degraded world, society, and culture they live in and have helped create. True wealth is social wealth. An impoverished and violated world, even if you personally extract and possess resources, even if you are super-rich, is a world of diminished potential, where both nature and culture cease to thrive and therefore cannot be sources of enrichment. The dullness of these muffins is in some sense epiphenomenal of what Epstein and his ilk, the ruling class, have stolen from society at large, and, therefore, in some sense, have also stolen from themselves.

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Muffins in the oven! They surprisingly started to rise quite a bit and started looking like proper muffins. I began to feel hopeful. Yay!

After a bit of time to cool, the muffins were extracted. They came out surprisingly light and fluffy and held together well. I basically concur with the staff manual that they need to be warmed to be palatable and probably require coffee. They’re not very sweet. Very “wholesome” (divisive concept). The cranberries were a godsend but in future I would add more cranberries. I did diverge from the recipe a little bit more to sneak in some satsuma zest (Nigella uses it! I checked! I mean instead of orange zest, not that she is in the Epstein files) and a pinch of cinnamon. Could not taste either. At all. Next time perhaps more zest. Epstein’s staff banned the use of sugar on top but some demerara sugar instead of flaxseed would have been an improvement. I added pecans and walnuts as instructed but not sliced almonds as I just couldn’t be bothered.

Most of the names of the people who complimented these muffins are redacted and have likely been coerced. Or they are sucking up to him, hoping to gain his favor.

But I’d give them a 3.5 out of 5 and might even voluntarily make them again? Obviously if you are constipated from being a massive nonce and riding charter jets all the time this makes sense as a go-to. It’s kind of insane thinking of who may have tried these. Noam Chomsky?

Gen X Husband’s review: “They’re actually quite nice. I’m not sure I’d rave about them but perhaps I’d have to be irresponsibly powerful to understand.” Then he ate two.